Episode 12. Emotional breakdown and all.
Sunday, May 15, 2011 105 Comments Man, episode 12, 2 months ago. Not my favorite week, annd i'm not talking about the family (they were totally awesome and i love them) or the final design (which i like a lot). It's what i call 'the week that Emily von Henderson had her own version of a nervous breakdown in front of her crew who she loves'. At the time we were shooting 6 days a week, shopping on sundays and shooting a month straight before a week of prep, meaning i didn't take a day off for a month. (i was asked continually not to work on sundays by my producers, but i did anyway...cause you can't tell me what to do... no suh.).
This was week 4 and i was d.e.a.d. I was so tired, I was designing too fast. Being hasty. Throwing out decisions without weighing options.
On tuesday of that week i was told the ratings of the show. In my mind i thought the show was going to be a total slam dunk, best show in the history of hollywood, Oscars, emmy's, pulitzers, peobody awards... the president of Show Business would call me and say 'Congratulations Emily, your hard work has paid off, and 'Secrets' is the biggest success in the history of hollywood, and we would like you to be mayor and ambassador to the galaxy'.
i hope you know i'm exaggerating but you get the idea.
But the ratings were totally fine, normal for the network expectations for a new show, but not 'that'. No one was worried. There was a lot of 'its a new show', 'keep on truckin', 'don't worry', 'lets just change the opening', etc, but i couldn't help but be devastated. That night my DP, Jeff (best camera guy ever) invited us all out to his boat for a drink in Marina Del Rey and I totally lost it. Sobbing for a couple hours in front of everyone (crews are like family, so i didn't care, i just felt bad for them). I just felt so helpless. You can't control everything. and that realization can be very very hard to come to terms with.
I'm sure everyone goes through this: you put EVERYTHING into something and if its not perfectly 100% received as the best thing that has ever happened to the world, then you are just devastated.
So thursday rolled around and i was doing the shopping segment at Weego Home. I could not for the life of me get a tip out without flubbing a syllable or having a grammatical mistake or looking weird.... i tried over and over and over and over, and became so totally frustrated with myself that I had this pillow in my hand and i remember squeezing it so hard, desperate to strangle it, kill it, every muscle in my body was flexed wanting to bring this pillow to textile death.
Instead, i dropped it, turned around, went to the bathroom in the back (which was near the backdoor so the crew thought i left) and stared at myself in the mirror, reminding myself that there is nothing to cry about because i LOVE MY JOB, ITS PRETTY MUCH THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD. I knew the second i lost it i would LOSE it, as i am a VERY good crier (woulda won 'crying star' in a second, that's for sure) and this would normally be fine, but not when you are on camera, with runny makeup and red, puffy eyes...it holds the whole production up. So i took really big breaths, in and out, desperate to stop those annoying, unnecessary, cry baby tears. It didn't help.
I totally lost it. Face contortions. Gutteral noises. Yeah, the 'pretty' stuff.
It's almost as if I was President of the United States Of America trying to stop a recession, restore the hope of a nation, and find and kill a d*ck head terrorist, whilst stopping child illiteray, etc.
Yep. just like that.
But here's the deal, folks, it doesn't matter what your job is, how insignificant you think it is, if you are tired and overwhelmed you are allowed to cry about it. For those of you you who might be thinking, 'oh poor emily with the tv show, she's soooo tired, get some perspective'. I say, officially, 'screw you'. i have an intensely good perspective on life, which is why I deny feeling stressed out often, as if i don't have the 'right' to be stressed because these are not real, actual problems. These are priveleged people problems. No one is sick, or dying. Its just home style and i am very well aware of it.
BUT,
When you feel it, you feel it.
I still feel an intense amount of self-imposed pressure to make it a huge success. I mean, if i suck at it then the entire crew has to find new work (and hollywood isn't exactly booming still), then i let the network down, who gave me this incredible job and put a lot of faith in my abilities. Then i will have squandered this insane opportunity and will forever wonder what i should have done different.
It would be like meeting the person of your dreams - that guy who you are like 'Ah!!! Thats it, he is IT, completely and utterly perfect for me in every way, he makes sense to me, i can't get enough of him, he makes me a better person and i want nothing more than to live the rest of my life with him' and knowing that if you lose them, if you mess this up, you will forever and ever, and ever regret it.
I don't use the word 'passionate' lightly. I previously reserved it for things like my family, Brian and my friends. I think the word i passion is totally over-used. But i feel completely passionate about this show.
Woah, drama much, Emily?
Anyway, so after the mini-meltdown in the store, i came out of the bathroom (the director had taken off to try and find me) and with a huge grin i said, 'Well, here's a secret..... i'm having nervous breakdown' and we all laughed - cause we are all friends and as much as i'm sure i can annoy everyone by telling them which angles i think are best (the art director in me has never died) and the order of content and tips, i know they care about me a lot (and vice versa) and they were worried. It was announced later that day that i would have more time to prep (total coincidence, actually) and then two weeks later i found out we were going down to only one very layered look for second season. Not because i had a nervous breakdown, nobody really even knew about that, but because the show would be better, more info, more styling, more time for personality, etc. And now, god, things are soooo much better. Ratings are great, i'm getting better at it, i have more free time, and i am confident that this is what i should be doing, meltdown or no meltdown.
And that's my episode 12 min-melt down story. Which is why i chose that hideous carpet for first look. I ordered the carpet in five minutes based on a small swatch and i couldn't see the pattern, because the pattern was bigger. When they rolled it out, i was like, 'oh no. no. no. no. what? no. no. no. no.no. mom. mom. mom. mommy. mommy....help help help.'
I hated it. it hated me. I got permission to replace it and yeah, i did. I would have paid for it out of my own pocket. I would have sold bearcat, whored out Orlando, or sold my blonde locks to make that problem disappear.
That being said, i loved this family and still had such a great time with them and designing the space. It was just mentally a whirlwind of emotions that will actually make it one of the more memorable weeks of the first season.
So no, i did not plan to repaint and re-carpet. Not at all. This is my biggest mistake so far. But remember: being a good designer (and person) doesn't mean being perfect all the time, it means knowing and admitting when you've made a mistake and fixing it. Life's all about how you react to things.
Yes, i also write copy for after school specials. This special would be called 'Just because you win a television show doesn't mean you know how to handle the pressure'.
Starring, yours truly, Emily Von Henderson.
I love you guys, by the way. Thank god for this blog. I know i don't have the time to get back to everyone and thank them, but i truly truly truly appreciate every single email and comment that i get. Honestly. Its incredibly moving and makes me feel so so so good, and i know that because of you this show now has great ratings, keeping the hgtv core audience and adding a whole new demographic. So, thank you. So much.
Reader Comments (105)
I was just checking my Google Reader at 10:51pm on a Sunday...as I always do...and I just want to reach through the computer and give you a hug and pat your back and say "you're great". I can relate to not feeling like I have the right to feel overwhelmed or complain about my amazing life, but there are still hard things and it's okay. On a happier note: I watch the show online and thought last week was the last one of the season. So even though there is awful carpet, I'm excited to get a couple more weeks of the show. Love love love it.
Live. Laugh. Learn.
That is what you are doing right now with every episode and continue on that path. Remember that the pressure s we place on ourselves are normally way heavier than anything anyone else can place on our shoulders. You have talent - heck you got a couple thousand folks who affirmed that week after week. Trust your skills, trust your team and trust that your fans love your work.
Oh goodness, friend... I do recall asking you to care for yourself because no one can work the kind of schedule you imposed on yourself. Been there. Did it to myself. Cried. A lot. Loved it all anyway. Understand.
Hugs, glad your schedule is less of a grind and that you have time for YOU. And that you didn't have to sell Orlando, he's a keeper.
Oh, wow, Ems, I'm old, my niece is YOUNG, and we BOTH love you AND the show, and are totally addicted! Even when you have the best job, it's still a job, and you feel the responsibility. You're great, though! Love yourself, girlie, the rest of us do, even if you're cute, petite, blonde, have the best job, etc, etc....you come across as really talented AND a person we'd all like to have as a friend!
We can't wait to come to LA to do the flea markets after seeing your monday posts, but give yourself Sundays off....and the occasional meltdown, too. I always think ice cream helps...or chocolate :-)
All your hard work definitely shows through in every episode. You do a great job of making interior design accessible for us, plebeians. Ha. I find interior design is a beautiful art. With every episode, you help others cultivate and craft a home. What could be a more rewarding, nurturing job? Keep up the good work. It's such a joy to follow!
(Oh! And a quick aside; do you have any tips for visual separating a space without the use of clunky room dividers? Developing a multi-purpose room like a studio apartment is so daunting.)
Emily! I love your show, I love you! I can't get enough of your designs every week and save them on my DVR. I never watch HGTV, I stumbled onto your show several weeks ago with my mom (mom, sister and I are all obsessed with design, shelter mags, the whole nine...) and we've been hooked ever since. I was recently dumped by the father of my baby (a week before I delivered) and had to move out of the house that I so carefully had been renovating in anticipation of my little girl being born. I'm in an apartment with her in West Hollywood now, and have been religiously watching your show, trying to absorb your genius so that I can create a new home for us that beats the last one and makes us feel cozy, even in my loneliest moments. So thank you for exhausting yourself and putting so much energy into such a great show. We never know who we might be helping each day, but I want you to know that you have been helping me. Thank you!
Hi Emily!!! I have recently discovered your show (and blog) and seriously think I'm your new #1 fan. We actually grew up in the same town.. (good old Lake O) you are a few years older than me so we were never in high school together.. (I know your fam.. your dad was my seminary teacher... oh boy, sorry, is that creepy to say on the internet??). Anyway, I heard about your show (and my hubby finally gave in and upgraded our cable so we could get HGTV) and I now religiously watch SFAS. Ha, anyway.. I live in a tiny little apartment in Laguna Beach, but am always pulling tips, tricks and ideas from your show! What a DREAM of a job you have. Anyway, just wanted to say HI and let you know that you have another huge fan out there... oh, and I think you are hilarious by the way! And you dress way cute.. ha anyway, thanks for such an awesome show!
xo Michelle (Hermanski) McGrath
As I watched this week's episode....and saw the first reveal...I thought...this show is going to be so much better when she just has to do the one reveal. I thought you purposely tried to make the first one not look very good so they'd be even more thrilled with the second. You'd mentioned on the blog that you felt the surprise of the second reveal was often ruined because they liked the first one so much. I am looking forward to the new format when you can say this is for him and I'm mixing this in for her as you go. I always thought the two reveal thing was just a recipe for disaster...it's like doing two shows.
LOVED this post, maybe my favorite of yours. In fact, I'm PASSIONATE about it, wink, wink. I"m a stay at home mom of 3 and I connected w/every single word. Maybe because I like to pretend I have a crew following me around, documenting every fascinating detail of my day. And, yes, if they did, they would witness my occasional breakdown over the insignificant piling up on me, threatening to consume every good and important thing in my life. It's crazy how that can happen, but...it does. You are an awesome TV host. WIsh I could show you the mother's day book my 8 year old daughter made at school for me. Apparently I was voted Mother of the Year and my daughter was interviewed about my habits. "My mom's favorite TV show: Secrets of a Stylist"!
Thanks for being real. And yes, the blue carpet was hideous. But, seriously the carpet choice does not make your show, did not make me like that episode any less. The feel of the show is great, because you are awesome at what you do. Keep being you!
Hi Emily!
I absolutely LOVE your show. My Saturday nights haven't been the same since HGTV started airing your show. Thanks to you I've made some progress in decorating my home. I'm a self diagnoised, Hollywood-Mid-Trad-er.
I've learned over the years that a good cry can clear your mind and spirit, so make it worth your time.
Wow, this hits so close to home this week. Well as a reality tv show runner who has done my fair share of home improvement series I can relate to "I still feel an intense amount of self-imposed pressure to make it a huge success." And the stress and occasional breakdown (this weekend, actually after less than stellar ratings returned) that comes along with it. Yes, it's just TV...but for some reason there is always a certain case of the "sky is falling" at all times from every direction...the network, the production company etc. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse but at the end of the day I love working in this crazy TV world with the 7 days a week, millions of hours a day, stress, etc. I love your show and can't wait to see the new changes.
EMILY!
The first half of this blog entry almost had ME in tears! Goodness, girl!. I already watch every chance I can, and if I can't see a new episode then I definitely record it on DVR.
Love the show, love your personality, and I certainly hope and expect HGTV to continue it for many seasons!
One suggestion I have is to NOT show so much of the finished room early in the show. Lots of times the little clips at the very beginning show the finished room and that really ruins the "surprise" at the end.
The "one design" direction for 2nd season sounds cool. Can't wait for it!
Hope you're getting a little more break-time in between episodes now! Glad you survived the meltdown!
WE LOVE YOU :o)
Emily you ROCK for all of your honesty and perkiness...oh yeah, and your design sense!
You. are. amazing. Great bloody post. And honey - I am so with you. Feeling the pressure to make what you do absolutely incredible, no matter what it is? That is the very definition of passion. Own it and love it.
And just for the record, because I'm not sure if you know this - us Canadians cannot get your show down here, EVEN on the internet (damn you IP that reveals my address!), and it is so very sad! Based on this blog alone I am dying to see it. So yeah, if you ever talk to someone from HGTV Canada, tell them to export that shit PRONTO!
I'm so glad you didn't intend to replace the carpet. Your dislike of the carpet did not come across on the show at all and I cringed when I saw it being ripped up. It also didn't look that bad on TV so that didn't help the situation. I think your editors need to get a little list from you after shooting every show of "important things that need to be made clear to the viewer."
I love your show but I am never at home on Saturday night, so I have been catching up as they are added On Demand. Does watching "On Demand" or online count in the ratings?
Love your show!...doesn't matter if you won the lottery, married Prince William or just got a new job working the drive through at Wendy's - it's totally normal to adjust to a new, pressure-filled reality. Glad it is going better - Keep up the great work! (You actually inspired me to go to an antique store - scored two awesome finds!)
Oh - and tell those folks running HGTV that maybe your demographic isn't home every single Sat night - I'm catching up on most episodes online (as are a number of my friends). You have a little fan club in Miami and we are spreading the word, but a weeknight would do wonders :-)
Don't be so hard on yourself! I watched the carpet episode on Saturday when I was running on the treadmill and so I couldn't hear the sound, but I thought doing two looks was part of the show's concept. I had no idea that the first carpet was a mistake. I thought it looked a little wonky, yes, but I'm no stylist, so for all I know it could be the next big thing! IEither way, it was so NOT obvious to the viewer so I'm thinking if you wouldn't have mentioned it here, no one would've even known the difference. No biggie. Congrats on having a great show!
Emily, you SHOULD rule the world, and your show is my television dream. When you first casually mentioned the insane schedule you were on to produce the show, my mind reeled, and to be honest I felt a little awed that you could keep your life together under that kind of pressure. So, thank you for having the generosity and balls to share the sweat and tears that happen behind the scenes -- it only makes me like you and the show more, knowing it's a crew of real people working their buns off to make it as awesome as it is.
I LOVE how human and open you are .... it's great! It's easy to think 'those people on TV have it made, no worries in the world,' but this blog here (besides being an amazing resource) really brings extra humanity to you!
hugs!
Girl, I think you just put into words what EVERY creative person feels. You put your heart and soul into your creation (for you, the show...for me, photography), and when it doesn't get a rave, you are crushed. It's amazing how many times I've cried just because no one said anything nice. No one may have said anything mean or critical either, but the lack of general excitement from everyone else can really hurt sometimes. Don't forget that there are plenty of other people out there having mini nervous breakdowns all the time, and that it's perfectly normal. Your show is fantastic, I love this blog and check it every day, and you seem like you'd be a really super cool person in real life...you've got so much going for you!! Keep up the AMAZING work. :)
I love you and your blog and your show. I've been reading since the Brass Petal but never commented, but I thought this was a good time to tell you that your work is consistently beautiful. One day when I'm rich I will find and beg you to design my home!
Way to tell them! I too have the occasional breakdown and have been known to cry about my job. It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful or that I don't realize that there are "bigger" issues people are facing everyday....it just means that at that particular moment my issue feels BIG to me....the great thing is you are able to look back on this which ultimately means you made it through!!! It's been awesome watching your journey and getting to be a part of it :)
xo.
I know just how this feels, and completely agree with you that you're allowed to have a nervous breakdown even over 'privileged problems.' I'm an author, and my first novel came out in February. Most of the reviews were good but some really hurt - I feel like a twit crying over them (I mean, I have a book out, I love my job, get some perspective etc) but as you said, when you put yourself and your work out there for the world to see and criticise, you're going to have a meltdown occasionally. You are wonderful, your show is wonderful, and I love you (in a non-creepy, platonic way). xx
You're doing an amazing job Emily. My wife and I honestly believe that you are single handedly changing how people style their homes. Every time we walk into an antique store out in BFE and we see another young couple looking for the perfect console table for their entry, we look at each other and call it the "Emily Henderson Effect."
Keep in mind that there is no empirical evidence supporting it, only feel, but I know that there is a shift (Mainly among the younger demo and males who have ironic mustaches).
Nevertheless, I want you to know that we record your episode every week and my wife sits in front of the TV and takes notes.....seriously. Not sure if that makes you happy or if it creeps you out. Either way.
Keep on doing what you're doing and we'll keep watching and spreading the word.